A failed opportunity to be my best me

Yesterday, I learned I ran out of time to fix something – to be my best me. I learned someone I knew died just before Thanksgiving. He was 44.

We worked together for a while. He was a very nice and sweet person. A big teddy bear with a “Shaft” no-nonsense way about him.

I was shocked and stunned as I read the Facebook post that had a link to the obituary. I then went to read some blog posts that he had written.

The reality, then the regret hit me hard. Time’s up. I hadn’t spoken to him in almost two years. I remember the last time we spoke. He said can we talk? I said sure. He said I’ll call you later. I said cool.

The end.

He never did. I didn’t either. I don’t know why he didn’t.

I know why I didn’t and the more I think about it it’s lame.

He had lost his job and we worked together and it felt “sensitive” to be the one to call.

Then time just kept going by.

I thought of him often. I heard his name come up in some circles but still I didn’t – and he didn’t – pursue any more connection.

Now. He’s gone after a sudden and brief battle with a disease called sarcoidosis.

I failed to seize an opportunity to be my best  me – a compassionate and decent human. I won’t say I missed the opportunity. I dis-missed it. I failed to take it.

My journey has led me to a yogic/buddhist/dharmic way of life and that means living a practice. My actions in this chapter of life tell a different story.

You can’t really cherry pick when you want to be a compassionate being, can you? Should you?

If you did, are you really being compassionate?

I’m not flogging myself. But I am saddened and disappointed with the reflection in the mirror. I know this means there’s a lot more work on myself I need to do.

Satya. Truthfulness. I can’t lie to others. But in many ways the hardest thing not to do is lie to myself. I convinced myself I was a good person to my friend. But the truth is I wasn’t.

Kleshas. Obstacles. The obstacles are internal and yet very real. Hesitance. Resistance. Fear. I didn’t identify them and seek to actively overcome them.

Tapah. Not causing pain. Yeah. That’s to others. And definitely to myself too.

Karma. Karmas bear fruits of pleasure and paid caused by merit and demerit. There may be opportunity to turn this demerit into merit.

So I won’t beat myself up and I will take from this life moment its lessons. I’m grateful for the opportunity to practice being a better person tomorrow. And I thank David for helping me with that.

Namaste.

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